Monday, November 25, 2013

In which she whines

I'm an optimistic realist.  I generally look on the bright side of life, even though I have battled with what I term "low periods."   Last week, when I finally shook off the lethargy and sadness that had been holding me captive for a few weeks, I felt great.  Rejuvenated.  Life was good.  I ran 5 miles on Thursday and felt better than I have in ages.  Things were looking up.

And then on Saturday, everything changed and I spent a solid 24 hours either crying or trying not to cry.  I'm still feeling sad and terrified, but at least the crying seems to have stopped.

I hate that I cry over everything.  It's a physical reaction that I have never been able to control - when I get even the slightest bit sad, I cry.  When I get really angry, I cry.  When I get really happy, I cry.  I have no control and it's very very annoying.

When my husband told me that he wants me to get a job, ASAP, I was sad, scared, and angry.  Hence the uncontrollable bursts of crying for a solid day.  Now, before anyone jumps to conclusions and calls me lazy - the reason I'm upset that I have to get a job right now is not because I'm opposed to working.  I have been looking forward to going back to work when my daughter is in school full time.  But she's not yet.  Which means that not only do I have to find a job and aftercare for my son, I have to find daycare for my daughter, plus whatever job I find will actually have to pay enough to pay for that daycare, plus enough extra that it's actually helpful for me to have said job.

On top of that, I'm terrified because I've never actually looked for work.  All of the jobs I've ever had just kind of fell into my lap. I've gone on interviews, but they were formalities.  I have never actually had to WORK to get a job.  Now, after a nearly 7 year hiatus from the work force, I'm scared that I won't find anything - especially in this job market, with my limited skills, plus my lack of a degree.

Plus - and this is the part that really kills me - in order to save money while I'm looking for a job right now, we've decided to pull my daughter out of the preschool she's in.  I am more broken-hearted over that than anything else we've cancelled.  (No Christmas party this year, no trip to New Orleans for me to run the Rock N Roll half marathon...)

Reading back over this post, I want to smack myself.  I know that people have things way worse and that I'm so incredibly lucky that I've had the past nearly 7 years to stay home with my kids.  I know that getting a job and putting my kids in daycare is not the end of the world. I know that taking my daughter out of preschool (when she can already read anyway) is not the end of the world.   I'm just feeling so lost right now, and all of my normal optimism has fled and I am just terrified that things are not going to work out.   My husband is the pessimist, not me, I don't know where my faith has gone.

It doesn't help that it's 20 degrees outside and I just want to eat cookies and curl up on the couch.

Anybody have any optimism I can borrow?


3 comments:

  1. :hug: I'm sorry. That's a lot to put on you right this second. And it's even harder to look for work when you have a little one at home too. :( I hope that you are able to find something soon and put everyone's mind at ease.

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  2. Oh, I'm so sorry!! Huge hugs to you!
    I hope that you find the perfect job - one that you enjoy and that you make enough to more than cover day care costs!!
    I hope that you can relax and enjoy your Thanksgiving!

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  3. You are facing a major life change--I think it's totally justified to freak out a bit. Big hugs to you as you enter the working mom phase of your life! Hopefully something will fall in your lap again soon!

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